A Eulogy over Tea

If you find it morbidly inappropriate to speak ill of the dead, click away now. If you’d have enjoyed getting the chance to drag the remains of Hitler’s smoldering corpse though the streets like the Italians did with Mussolini, please proceed.

I find it morally reprehensible to gloss over the damages done by morally reprehensible people who publicly propagate the most vile sorts of ideas into the public domain. I am moved to displays of public outrage like this blogpost when the people doing the damage claim to be working under direct contract with God.. Expect a much more scathing eulogy on the occasion of the deaths of all those monsters who promulgated legal torture and shamed us as a nation.
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Mark Krebs Official Obit

I have been receiving a lot of questions regarding the whereabouts of Mark Francis Krebs. His prolific trolling on Facebook feeds (mine and others) suddenly went silent and it left many people wondering what happened to him.

Facebook might know more about you than the NSA, FBI and CIA combined, but one thing they haven’t yet mastered is the concept of death. In real life people actually die all the time, but on Facebook your electronic soul can exist in an amorphous cloud of bits, ready to be called upon to hawk any brand or any cause you intentionally (or accidentally) clicked a “like” button when your finger still had a pulse.

Such is the case for Mark Francis Krebs, dead at age 52 of bloat and self-neglect (see pic). Sad, lonely figure of a man, laying dead in his Texas apartment for ten days, rotting away unnoticed in his Lazy Boy until the stretch of his decay invaded the physical space of his neighbors invoking calls to the authorities.

Mark was an underachieving underclassman from high school that I ‘reconnected’ with thru Facebook awhile back. His academic acumen was so sub par it left him wide open for a life addicted to Fox News propaganda and Pentacostal wing-nuts alike, which resulted in his stalwart support of the kind of idiotic thinking that favors “rapist’s rights” over the dignity of our wives, mothers and daughters. Krebs was a shadow member of “Zygotes over People”, and a persistent right wing troll on my Facebook feed. If he were alive today Krebs would be pimping shotguns for babies as a solution to gun violence. He was the sad, bloated, living stereotype of every Tea Party lunatic, NRA slobbering gun nut and Jeebus freak you ever encountered, all rolled into one apparently corpulent soul.

I did my best to try and council the crazy out of him but given the limitations on what can be accomplished through Facebook, I was unable to move Mark from the extreme rightwing category on religion or politics.

All surviving family should be joyously consoled with my testimony that he went to his grave fully believing every bit of religious tripe ever fed to him, so he should be safe in the arms of imaginary Jeebus by now and insulated from my necessarily savage review of our online relationship

Mark was my most dedicated Fundamentalist Facebook troll. I figured he must have been getting paid a few pennies per post from Rove’s 350 million dollar wingnut welfare machine just based on the amount and intensity of his efforts, but that’s just a guess.

Though his extremism and Christian delusion knew no bounds, I never thought to block or unfriend him. My theory is that the best defense against people that far off the map of common public sense and decency Is to make sure they are seen. The more people see of these types of lunatics, the better off for the rest of us. Sunshine, disinfectant,

Enjoy.

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Joe Washington

Watching and documenting the liars for Jeebus crowd has my bullshit sensitivity meter locked in so tight I can smell a flea fart from forty paces, so it was nearly impossible for me to miss this more blatant bit of right wing inspired poppycock when it hit my Facebook feed:

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The propensity of the Conservative party to lie about every other subject, coupled with the certainty that good old George never said anything of the sort set me to Googling. A search on that exact phrase, if it is indeed a Washington quote, should render hits from a plethora of serious presidential scholars. So, what were my results :

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The quote is superimposed on one YouTube video:

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It appears to be taken from a Christian Fundamentalist web page (Powered by “the Holy Spirit” the light within) posted by some guy named Joe Spenner, who apparently thinks putting quotes in the title of his web page makes his lunatic rambings attributable to Washington:

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Be on guard for this kind of right wing tripe. It is pervasive and obnoxious but people are quite easily led astray by Republicans who then attribute it to the devil, or Obama.

Enjoy.

A Bullet Dodged

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Whew. With the election finally behind me, I can start to breath a little easier now. Had Romney managed to beg, borrow or steal the thing, my time as a free soldier of army of truth would have been in serious jeopardy. There is no doubt in my mind that my name would have raced to the top of the list of American citizens targeted for drone attacks because of suspected terrorist activity. How’s that you ask?

I was copy and pasting JZ lyrics and placing them where they would most likely be seen by my old racist neighbors back in Mississippi, as well as Tea Party Patriots everywhere!

Those people would have put their hand on a Bible (Even the Mormon one!) and honestly sworn an oath to the almighty that what I was doing by posting those lyrics was terrorizing them in far worse ways than anything Osama Bin Laden ever imagined.

Good thing for me that JZ won the election!

Enjoy.

Tea Party Billionaire Party

Free While Supplies Last

I have noticed a remarkable increase in web traffic lately.

This gives me a nice tingly feeling in my nether regions.  Feelings that normally are only available with the aid and assistance of these little blue pills so prevalent in my country club age group.   As a result, all you wonderful people are saving me a lot of money (and  it’s not costing you a cent!)   I might eventually save enough cash to negotiate for the safe return of my cojones (which are currently residing in the rose-scented confines of my wife’s handbag).

I thank you all.  My gratitude is so great, that if I were to meet you in person,  I would give you a fist bump or perhaps a high five.  Truth is that I’d gladly submit to any other cultural motions you define as a sign of positive physical expression (as long as it doesn’t include any maneuvers so awkward that they would necessitate an excuse to invoke the phrase: NO HOMO!)

To demonstrate my appreciation for your interest in this blog (and under the insistence advisement of the aforementioned nether regions), The Tim Channel is offering a remarkably useful flashlight application for your cellphone.  100% cross-platform compatible! 100% free!

You’ll want to download your free copy of The Tim Channel Flashlight app as soon as possible!   Don’t pay good money for an inferior flashlight application!  Don’t be suckered into downloading some slimy, advertiser supported ‘free’ flashlight application.  My experience with these so-called free apps is that they never fail to “go to commercial” at the worst possible time.

Taking just a few seconds to download and install this revolutionary open-source app means that, unlike those inferior ad-supported flashlight apps, there’s no chance that an ill-timed ad for Hollywood’s latest dark comedy will put the lights out on you!!

But Tim, I’ve already got a decent flashlight application on my….Iphone…Android…Nokia etc.  Why should I change?”

I’m glad you asked!   The Tim Channel’s optical sciences division has developed and deployed a flashlight app with a fundamental level of brightness previously thought impossible.  A new level of whiteness so pure,  that it now represents the greatest discovery of man (until something like the first warp drive spacecraft bumps it down a notch)!

Be careful using this app.   Don’t look directly into the screen!  The level of whiteness achieved utilizing our proprietary method is without precedent.  Be forewarned that even a brief glimpse directly into the screen will result in minor hallucinations.

These hallucinations always result in a belief that you are looking at a picture of a Republican (aka Tea Party) get together.  This is only an illusion!!    Your mind is subconsciously substituting what it had previously accepted as the most powerful expression of whiteness known to man directly onto the screen of your mobile device.  This is your clue to LOOK AWAY!!   Seek professional care immediately if you develop an uncontrolled compulsion to blindly scream “Get the Government out of my Medicare!!” for periods lasting longer than four hours.

Installation is easy.  Simply put downloaded file into the media folder on your particular device.  Select the seethelight.png file using the picture viewer function on your device.  Show your friends the first free flashlight app that doubles as a background wallpaper!   While you’re at it, pat yourself on the back for finding the rarest thing in the world today:  a useful permutation of any sort arising out of a meeting of Republican leaders.

*Download demands may create an internet traffic jam of epic proportions, which is always a nuisance.  Of more serious concern, is that the correlated surge in demand for electricity could plunge the entire nation into the midst of a chaotic blackout (e.g. New York – 1977).  Isn’t it good to know you’ve got an app for that?

Enjoy.