Survivor-Candy Island

SnickeringNot Even a Hint of Irony

We’re halfway through another season of Survivor – the “reality” show where contestants are abandoned and forced to make do with nothing but their outsized egos, sense of entitlement, and enough rice and beans to stave off any actual threat of starvation.

More often than not, there isn’t even a decent fire-starter in the whole mix of contestants and if hunger pangs get too dire (because Bubba eats up all the beans), you can count on Jeff Probst tossing in a reward challenge full of Snickers or short ribs.. Am I the only one who wonders how far up the beach they’d have to walk to find the luxury resort where the camera crew resides?

The Good Old Days are Gone

Nowadays, Survivor is all fun and games, with no real threat of not actually surviving.  It wasn’t always a beach vacation because in the early years there were contestants that nearly died from the harshness of the challenges and environment.  CBS has effectively turned Survivor into Beach Blanket Bingo and any of the drama from the actual survival element of the game is long gone.  Nowadays, it’s an odd occurrence if somebody doesn’t voluntarily leave the game due to being butt-hurt that they aren’t as popular in a group setting as they hoped they’d be.

“I’m so bummed out I can’t take it anymore” is reason number one most exit the game on their own accord.

It’s almost like none of them actually need or care about winning a big pile of money.  The halcyon days of seeing a dude’s face melt off while trying to maintain the fire are long gone.  Being forced to collect water downstream of a pissing rhino?  Gone.  The sweet taste of toasted rat?  Pffft.

‘”Survivor” has morphed into a (sad) metaphor for the molly-coddled upbringing most of the younger contestants bring to the game.  If they could actually catch a shark they wouldn’t eat it, they’d jump over it.

I don’t want to be accused of pointing out problems for which I don’t offer a viable solution, so those who are inclined to accuse me of that need only hang around long enough for part two in this mini-series to find an equitable solution to the problem of finding an honest version of Survivor to satiate their reality TV addiction now that the Survivor we all fell in love with has gone soft.  Stay tuned for an example of what real-life survival actually entails these days.


Gonzo Survivor Recap

Who cares? Now that C-boy has been airlifted out, there is nobody left to root for or against. Game over.

I may return to recapping on the next series if it warrants. I long for a return to Survivor where the contestants have some clue about either strategy or survival. This group of airhead goofballs are really not worth wasting time on.


Gonzo Survivor Recap


You can count on a merge next week because the producers are all out of immunity challenges that don’t involve at least a modicum of physicality. To top it all off, they can’t count on the women being any less brain dead than the men in puzzle challenges, so there is no avenue left but to toss them all together and let nature run its course.

C-boy has shown that the saying “Absolute power corrupts absolutely” is not just a meaningless meme, but a lifestyle choice he embraces with all the enthusiasm he likely hugs his paid minority help back on his plantation in Alabama. To be sure, I have steadily mocked C-boy’s effeminata, but it is his repulsive identification as a conservative Republican that would make me most nervous to turn my back on him. I hate taxes as much as the next guy (not really but play along) but if I were gay I sure as hell wouldn’t be cheering on the political party constantly attacking my lifestyle.

But I digress. After a bellyful of C-boy angst and aggravation, the men lose a fairly straight-forward coconut slingshot reward challenge and the girls finally get a tarp. If any of the men were harboring tribal defense notions based around forward operating coconut gunneries, this challenge clearly highlighted the futility of such a design. I am confused at the lack of sponsor support in these challenges. Home Depot too cheap to sponsor a tarp ferchrissakes? A Krispy Kreme sign by those donuts might have added just the extra amount of subliminal boost necessary to induce situational stupidity in such vapid competitors. It’s a three-to-one bet that we would have seen Kat shivering another night in the rain as it melted the last bit of donut juice off her cheeks. She was SO ready for those donuts.

Fast forward to the immunity challenge where the guys are so jubilant with their immunity win they UNANIMOUSLY give it away to the girls! Because…uh..the entire tribe is in MELTDOWN MODE over the discovery that one or more players on their tribe are…drumroll…actually playing the game!

Elf tells TBC (token Black comedian) he is not as safe as he thinks he is. Elf is TBC’s “best bro'”. C-boy, in full drama queen mode, cannot allow this to pass. This must be stopped AT ALL COSTS, even if it involves a circular firing squad.
This is mostly because C-boy says it must be so, but not without the full throated sycophantic support of Tarzaniac, this season’s leading contender for the role of C-boys version of Coach’s mindlessly Godful protege enforcer ScrambledHantz.

There is an awkwardly strained attempt at crafting a narrative around a possible Elf departure, but in the end, what C-boy wants C-boy gets. Bad news for TBC, but he didn’t deserve to go on any longer if he was dumb enough to risk himself after what Elf had told him and the way C-boy treated him when he tried to talk to him in camp. Plus, he wasn’t really that funny.

Dumbest group of Survivors in the history of the show. Epic ignorance. Next week merge. I expect the girls will be huddled up and paired off with whatever is left of male sexuality on the ManMan tribe if my observations on human behavior vis-a-vis hopelessly useless female Survivors of old is any guide.


Gonzo Survivor Recap

Blue eyes crying in the rain, aka “What’s a girl gotta do to get her some?” (heat) edition. It sucks to be cold in the rain and the girls are as cold, shriveled and useless as C-boy’s nuts at at Arctic Playboy porno shoot.

After much ado with the pitiful state of affairs vis-a-vis their complete suck-age from day one, you know the scene is being set for something good to happen for the women My Nostradamus-like prediction of toenail painting challenges hasn’t yet come to pass, but in place of actual physical challenges this week (once we learned the girls can’t even balance…) the producers had to reach even deeper in the bag of lightweight challenges to find a ringer for the girls. Mission freaking accomplished to the Survivor producers! These boys are as brain dead as they are muscle bound! Couple more puzzle challenges and the soup-for-brains gang would be in serious trouble.

Skip to reward challenge. Memory test/copy item arrangement. If the guys scored a point I forgot about it as the girls thrashing of them was so profound. I think the girls were awarded a canoe, which none of them ever figured out could be used out of water upside down as a nice shelter against the rain….what with it being WATERPROOF and all…..

Skip to immunity challenge. Blindfolded wanderings with a puzzle finish. The guys looked genuinely puzzled when they saw their huge lead disappear. Win number two for the women.

Next, skip to Tribal Council to see the equally puzzled look of the smug tribal bully as he gets bested by the behind-the-scenes manipulations of lowly C-boy, who used the threat of the Immunity Idol at TC, without actually having to part with it. I love the end of show cameo by the LOSER when he posits his demise as a result of the fear of his gameplay and not as a result of being a big douche. Priceless self delusion.


Gonzo Survivor Recap


Looking for episode three recap? Don’t despair! I will likely get it posted before episode four hits the airwaves.

Think of this installment as the better late than never edition in this wacky One World Survivor season. Gonzo reporters work on their own time. Be thankful for what you get.

After surviving the obligatory waste of time spent visually recapping last week’s accident-tainted opening episode, a heaping helping of the emotionally distressed Nancy-boy does little to lighten the mood.

We are offered multiple scenes wherein C-boy is shown trying to outdo even the most prototypically worthless Survivor contestants in the art of laziness. Juxtaposed cleverly against the backdrop of his tribe doing the actual job of, you know…surviving.

Poor C-boy’s social ineptitude has even ostracized him from the women who formerly loved him, leaving him in a funk of epic proportion. We haven’t witnessed internal angst of this proportion since Hantz the Younger’s turmoil with having to share an island with the whores of Babylon last season.

Just about the time the show’s producers have us all anticipating a possible Survivor suicide, we get a minor tension break in the form of an actual plot element.

I was hoping imagining a quick cut to a scene of C-boy attempting self immolation on a scale that would dwarf the attempted sacrifice by fire of Survivor Australia’s Michael Skupin. It was not to be however, as our despondent C-boy gained enough mental balance to realize his immunity idol could help him to leverage his way into a power block with the other assorted oddballs not officially in the GQ collection of self chosen apostles.

Cut to Reward Challenge where the women lost the chance to win a tarp, the utility of which is made painfully obvious in the sneak previews of episode three.

Cut to the immunity challenge where the women lose yet again, and in a spectacular show of incompetence just to keep the meme alive. The thing that made this challenge so much more particularly galling than the others, is that balance challenges in the past seemed to favor the women. Unless the producers introduce a toenail painting challenge, it is hard to imagine anything other than ongoing gloom and desperation from the women of One World in the challenge department.

This is the perfect time to comment on the ever present “bolstering” by Probst as he does his best to heighten the obvious lack of competitive equality by constantly reminding the women that they still have a chance to win this challenge. Yeah, if by “win” you mean the guys all suddenly have strokes and fall to their death. It looked to me like the entire men’s tribe finished the challenge before the first woman completed the walk. Tension so not thick you could cut it with a butter knife.

Cut to Tribal council where the competent, but older contestant is tossed in favor of keeping the air-headed Barbie blonde who was at the center of the challenge meltdown.

Cut to preview scenes of next episode where the girls might start to wonder if it was really such a good idea to stop C-boy helping them add an extra layer of thatch to their roof.