They Never See it Coming

NRA Membership #38874
2745 Mudbug Circle
Beauregard Flats, Louisiana

WASHINGTON — The National Rifle Association has rallied gun-owners — and raised tens of millions of dollars — campaigning against the threat of a national database of firearms or their owners.

But in fact, the sort of vast, secret database the NRA often warns of already exists, despite having been assembled largely without the knowledge or consent of gun owners. It is housed in the Virginia offices of the NRA itself.

This is not a problem for conservative gun owners. They believe that the NRA isn’t like the NSA.  Since it’s a private corporation, gun enthusiasts are super confident that the NRA database is vastly more secure than that of the bungling government NSA.  Besides, what could possibly go wrong if government “watchdogs” ever did decide they wanted that NRA database?

It’s not like there’s any contemporary history of western democratic governments ham-handedly seizing or forcing the destruction of private industry data, and anyway, now that everybody knows that Glenn Greenwald has a gay South American “partner”, all the heavily documented facts he’s been reporting on can be summarily dismissed as yesterday’s hoary gossip.

Finally, our long international nightmare is over!  There is no illegal spying going on against Americans.  That’s the lesson that will get printed in future US history books (because it’s the story the government is “selling” us today!).  It will be injected into the curriculum right after the lesson on all the missing WMD’s we found in Iraq.

Tim’s Take

The Tim Channel is 100% behind 100% strict government registration and regulation of all firearms.  I extend my personal thanks to the fundraising department at the NRA for collecting a list of several million of their most hardcore radicals.  It will indeed prove quite helpful in the event the former slave states once again decide to break into open rebellion.

There were no WMD’s in Iraq.

Disclaimer: All people shown in this post are fictional.  Any similarity to that of potential Republican 2016 contenders or nude male pornographers is purely coincidental.

Enjoy.

Tomorrow’s NSA News Today

I swear I am totally making this up, so don’t accuse me of hacking into classified intelligence networks or blowing kisses at Julian Assange when you read this story in the Washington Post next week.

Not Hard to See this Coming

It has just been revealed that the Pfizer Pharmaceutical Company has been purchasing marketing information from a firm found to be a front for the NSA.  The company, Jericho Data Services, using the amassed raw data of millions of phone and email records collected under the XKeyscore program has been reselling that data under the guise of free enterprise marketing services.

Jericho’s Edge

Through judicious scanning of millions of women’s email messages, and identifying those that contained information on unsuccessful sexual encounters with older males, Jericho Data was able to amass a huge list of impotent men.  This list was subsequently sold to Pfizer, who undoubtedly saw it as a marketing coup for their Viagra brand of impotency treatment pills.

Other than the day-to-day manipulation of drug prices and paying off doctors to needlessly overprescribe for profit, Pfizer is not suspected of knowing the source of the marketing list they purchased was from information gleaned through NSA channels.

The two remaining journalists left in the United States are busy trying to track down where the money from this NSA black op was being funneled, though it’s now become abundantly clear to this reporter where the NSA got the funds to outfit all agency vehicles with 22″ rims and full hydraulics.

Enjoy.

The Good Old Days

Obama, in his best Bush, “We don’t torture” voice:

1. We don’t spy on Americans.  What kind of crazy talk is that?

2. Ok, we do spy on Americans but only those who are talking with foreigners. We’re not the Stasi ferchrissakes.

3. We only collect metadata.  It’s not like we’re copying your emails and chat logs, something that would be clearly illegal and totally against the fourth amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

4. We collect everything on everybody.  Not only do we collect your emails and chat logs, but their contents are freely accessible to every low level tech drone outsourced by the NSA. We have every intention to continue doing so no matter what the body of public opinion on the matter is.

Have you not been watching my harassment of medical marijuana clinics in the West, where voters have overwhelmingly expressed their willingness to allow same?  This government will not stand idly by and watch the level of democracy and compassion rise to a point which might endanger the continued existence of these United States.

I will now focus the rest of my term on issues of concern to the working class.

Enjoy.

Another American Hero

Thank goodness for the soft spoken sensitive types who have a conscience and the personal integrity to stand up to the evils of TOTALITARIANISM when they see it.

Enjoy.