Testing Theories

There are some competing theories bouncing around the skeptical blogosphere concerning security for women at conferences.  Rebecca Watson, aka Skepchick, made some very public claims concerning the safety of women at skeptic-atheist conferences, and there is some seemingly solid reporting, that female attendance at these conferences is way down.

One point raised as a reason for feminine drop in attendance is the false impression of insecurity that the Skepchick over-promotion and hype on Elevator Guy started last year, and now apparently extends to infinity and beyond as well.  Welcome to FTB, Thunderf00t!!

Let’s examine two possible future skeptic conference advertising strategies just to see how they might play out in actual practice.

Option One.  (Lubricant not provided)

What the world needs now ISN’T love sweet love.  No indeed.  What the world needs now are sexual harassment policies at atheist conventions.  That’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.

Henceforth, we shall only advertise skeptic events with a minimum of 50% of all our advertising stressing and highlighting our forward-thinking sexual harassment policies.  We’re gonna do this not just because we aren’t dicks (or that we’ve been sufficiently butt-hurt by the Girlyban Gasbaggers), but because we want to get as many women to participate in our events as possible.

Predictive analysis:  Our advertising is successful and we attract even more emotionally and sexually immature females to join our group.  Overheard at future conference, “You want a peek at my voluptuous neurosis or did you really just want to share a cup of coffee?”

Option Two. (Burning JeebusMan)

We advertise our events as being as close to a good old fashioned Roman orgy as you can get without the invention of a time machine.  Burning Man without the sand.  Thinking outside the box, maybe we even book it at a Vegas Hotel.  Nothing says P A R T Y like a nice Vegas Hotel.  We warn all women who dare to come that they should expect an overabundance of nerdy, yet horny science geeks, with more testosterone than common sense.  Make sure to highlight that many of the male participants will be coming directly out of the social development womb of their parents basements and heading directly to the casino bars, where they will be dulling their already blunted social acumen by consuming copious amounts of alcohol.  Be sue to point out that for all their sexual braggadocio, these guys are easy to pussy-whip into compliance, and being above average intelligence, often make productive mates and good fathers.   In other words, honesty in advertising.

Predictive analysis:  A successful conclusion to such an ad strategy could result in a huge increase in female attendance, The kind of females most likely to respond to such an appeal would be free-spirited hippie chicks with limited inhibitions and toothy smiles.   We sell more tickets to women and men.  Attendance goes through the roof.


Mystery Solved

Back two years (and forty million YouTube views) ago, an agitated and highly animated young man named Antoine Dodson was captured on camera making both a warning and a suggestion to America that seems serendipitously relevant to the current affairs of today.

We should all be in awe of Prophet Antoine, whose inspired verse “hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wives, and hide yo’ husbands-cause they be raping everybody up in here!” is every bit as prescient as anything dished up by Nostradamus. But what of the perp? The one identified as “raping everybody up in here”? It was Rush Limbaugh.

My theory is that Rush, unable to sway any nubile college girls into providing him a masturbatory aid in the form of a self shot porno, got sexually frustrated and tried to climb in that window at the Lincoln Park projects looking for a little brown sugar. Antoine bravely interceded.

Rush’s sexual frustrations, mixed with the thwarting of his lust (by a black guy no less) pushed him over the edge. Sure he’s always been “out there”, but even when he was gobbling hillbilly heroin like Chris Christie attacks dinner, he was never stupid enough to carry it to these extremes.

Rush is a family values kind of guy who has been married four times, rails against contraception yet has no children. That is some mighty fine rhythm my friends (more likely he’s doing it wrong).

If the vituperative consequences of pent-up sexual frustration was only a problem common to Rush, a same liberal wouldn’t have to be as nervous as a lost pup at a Vietnamese barbecue when attending CPAC events. While we may never find “patient zero” in our hunt or identify the particular strain of Puritanicalism plaguing the country, watching one of the most severely afflicted high profile zombies committing public suicide is right up there with the gore of self immolation the Buddhists are known for.

I have provided herein, the framework of a crime theory that will hopefully find the Dodson family the justice they deserve, while at the same time pointing out that the remaining “perps of the Rep party” are still running amok.
Not only are they climbing in your window. They’ve already climbed into your bank account. Last week they were trying to climb in your wife’s vagina. If that was only a slight bit of hyperbole and not a real headline you wouldn’t likely be reading this in the first place.

Hide yo’ wives, kids and husbands indeed.


Original video