Gonzo Survivor Recap

Who cares? Now that C-boy has been airlifted out, there is nobody left to root for or against. Game over.

I may return to recapping on the next series if it warrants. I long for a return to Survivor where the contestants have some clue about either strategy or survival. This group of airhead goofballs are really not worth wasting time on.


Gonzo Survivor Recap


Photo confirms that C-boy tits are as large as his ego.

WordPress ate my first draft so this is all you get. C-boy is running the show. Log Cabin Republicans (Alabama Chapter) are going wild with excitement. For the rest of us it’s just as painful as sitting on the sidelines watching the Republican primary candidates. Lot of folks comparing C-boy to Russell Hantz (has a new reality show coming soon!). Puffft! C-boy is what I imagine a gay version of Rick Santorum would be like. No, you can’t unthink that, but the sharing was cathartic for me.

New tribes. Worse balance of talent than last tribes. Not a misprint and not, (like the controversy over the utility of condoms the new IPad screen), up for discussion. C-boy found himself on the losing end of team shakeup, but looks to be so momentarily omnipotent as to invoke the aforementioned (and ill-placed) comparisons to Russell. I predict the reign of C-boy will come to an end soon enough, but I hope we get a couple nights rain on his new shelter first. If I had the means I swear I’d be seeding the clouds every evening.

Besides, you can never have too much rain for the free range chickens that grow in the jungle. These chickens, like the DoDo birds of yore, lack a true fear of man. They also seem strangely attracted to the smell of hungry humans if you want my honest opinion. They might have to evolve to the point where they throw themselves into the pot (after starting the fire) if the next group of Survivors is any dumber than these. Next season the producers ought to just go for a tried and true KFC bucket feast if they are trying to aid in the subsistence of the competitors.

I hope I haven’t let too many of the minor details of this week’s episode overwhelm the reader!

Gonzo Survivor Recap


You can count on a merge next week because the producers are all out of immunity challenges that don’t involve at least a modicum of physicality. To top it all off, they can’t count on the women being any less brain dead than the men in puzzle challenges, so there is no avenue left but to toss them all together and let nature run its course.

C-boy has shown that the saying “Absolute power corrupts absolutely” is not just a meaningless meme, but a lifestyle choice he embraces with all the enthusiasm he likely hugs his paid minority help back on his plantation in Alabama. To be sure, I have steadily mocked C-boy’s effeminata, but it is his repulsive identification as a conservative Republican that would make me most nervous to turn my back on him. I hate taxes as much as the next guy (not really but play along) but if I were gay I sure as hell wouldn’t be cheering on the political party constantly attacking my lifestyle.

But I digress. After a bellyful of C-boy angst and aggravation, the men lose a fairly straight-forward coconut slingshot reward challenge and the girls finally get a tarp. If any of the men were harboring tribal defense notions based around forward operating coconut gunneries, this challenge clearly highlighted the futility of such a design. I am confused at the lack of sponsor support in these challenges. Home Depot too cheap to sponsor a tarp ferchrissakes? A Krispy Kreme sign by those donuts might have added just the extra amount of subliminal boost necessary to induce situational stupidity in such vapid competitors. It’s a three-to-one bet that we would have seen Kat shivering another night in the rain as it melted the last bit of donut juice off her cheeks. She was SO ready for those donuts.

Fast forward to the immunity challenge where the guys are so jubilant with their immunity win they UNANIMOUSLY give it away to the girls! Because…uh..the entire tribe is in MELTDOWN MODE over the discovery that one or more players on their tribe are…drumroll…actually playing the game!

Elf tells TBC (token Black comedian) he is not as safe as he thinks he is. Elf is TBC’s “best bro'”. C-boy, in full drama queen mode, cannot allow this to pass. This must be stopped AT ALL COSTS, even if it involves a circular firing squad.
This is mostly because C-boy says it must be so, but not without the full throated sycophantic support of Tarzaniac, this season’s leading contender for the role of C-boys version of Coach’s mindlessly Godful protege enforcer ScrambledHantz.

There is an awkwardly strained attempt at crafting a narrative around a possible Elf departure, but in the end, what C-boy wants C-boy gets. Bad news for TBC, but he didn’t deserve to go on any longer if he was dumb enough to risk himself after what Elf had told him and the way C-boy treated him when he tried to talk to him in camp. Plus, he wasn’t really that funny.

Dumbest group of Survivors in the history of the show. Epic ignorance. Next week merge. I expect the girls will be huddled up and paired off with whatever is left of male sexuality on the ManMan tribe if my observations on human behavior vis-a-vis hopelessly useless female Survivors of old is any guide.


Gonzo Survivor Recap

Blue eyes crying in the rain, aka “What’s a girl gotta do to get her some?” (heat) edition. It sucks to be cold in the rain and the girls are as cold, shriveled and useless as C-boy’s nuts at at Arctic Playboy porno shoot.

After much ado with the pitiful state of affairs vis-a-vis their complete suck-age from day one, you know the scene is being set for something good to happen for the women My Nostradamus-like prediction of toenail painting challenges hasn’t yet come to pass, but in place of actual physical challenges this week (once we learned the girls can’t even balance…) the producers had to reach even deeper in the bag of lightweight challenges to find a ringer for the girls. Mission freaking accomplished to the Survivor producers! These boys are as brain dead as they are muscle bound! Couple more puzzle challenges and the soup-for-brains gang would be in serious trouble.

Skip to reward challenge. Memory test/copy item arrangement. If the guys scored a point I forgot about it as the girls thrashing of them was so profound. I think the girls were awarded a canoe, which none of them ever figured out could be used out of water upside down as a nice shelter against the rain….what with it being WATERPROOF and all…..

Skip to immunity challenge. Blindfolded wanderings with a puzzle finish. The guys looked genuinely puzzled when they saw their huge lead disappear. Win number two for the women.

Next, skip to Tribal Council to see the equally puzzled look of the smug tribal bully as he gets bested by the behind-the-scenes manipulations of lowly C-boy, who used the threat of the Immunity Idol at TC, without actually having to part with it. I love the end of show cameo by the LOSER when he posits his demise as a result of the fear of his gameplay and not as a result of being a big douche. Priceless self delusion.


Gonzo Survivor Recap


Looking for episode three recap? Don’t despair! I will likely get it posted before episode four hits the airwaves.

Think of this installment as the better late than never edition in this wacky One World Survivor season. Gonzo reporters work on their own time. Be thankful for what you get.

After surviving the obligatory waste of time spent visually recapping last week’s accident-tainted opening episode, a heaping helping of the emotionally distressed Nancy-boy does little to lighten the mood.

We are offered multiple scenes wherein C-boy is shown trying to outdo even the most prototypically worthless Survivor contestants in the art of laziness. Juxtaposed cleverly against the backdrop of his tribe doing the actual job of, you know…surviving.

Poor C-boy’s social ineptitude has even ostracized him from the women who formerly loved him, leaving him in a funk of epic proportion. We haven’t witnessed internal angst of this proportion since Hantz the Younger’s turmoil with having to share an island with the whores of Babylon last season.

Just about the time the show’s producers have us all anticipating a possible Survivor suicide, we get a minor tension break in the form of an actual plot element.

I was hoping imagining a quick cut to a scene of C-boy attempting self immolation on a scale that would dwarf the attempted sacrifice by fire of Survivor Australia’s Michael Skupin. It was not to be however, as our despondent C-boy gained enough mental balance to realize his immunity idol could help him to leverage his way into a power block with the other assorted oddballs not officially in the GQ collection of self chosen apostles.

Cut to Reward Challenge where the women lost the chance to win a tarp, the utility of which is made painfully obvious in the sneak previews of episode three.

Cut to the immunity challenge where the women lose yet again, and in a spectacular show of incompetence just to keep the meme alive. The thing that made this challenge so much more particularly galling than the others, is that balance challenges in the past seemed to favor the women. Unless the producers introduce a toenail painting challenge, it is hard to imagine anything other than ongoing gloom and desperation from the women of One World in the challenge department.

This is the perfect time to comment on the ever present “bolstering” by Probst as he does his best to heighten the obvious lack of competitive equality by constantly reminding the women that they still have a chance to win this challenge. Yeah, if by “win” you mean the guys all suddenly have strokes and fall to their death. It looked to me like the entire men’s tribe finished the challenge before the first woman completed the walk. Tension so not thick you could cut it with a butter knife.

Cut to Tribal council where the competent, but older contestant is tossed in favor of keeping the air-headed Barbie blonde who was at the center of the challenge meltdown.

Cut to preview scenes of next episode where the girls might start to wonder if it was really such a good idea to stop C-boy helping them add an extra layer of thatch to their roof.