Random Recap of Everything

World

Even though most of the mideast reminds Obama of Detroit, that’s no excuse for intervention.  Let’s drop some jobs into Detroit instead of bombs on foreigners.

We have no business in Syria. None. Let them kill each other off on their own, and in whatever fashion suits them best. We have no friends over there. When you can’t even fool a drunken Brit into tagging along you know you have a problem. Time to defund the spies. The NSA seems extremely adept at accessing and cross-filing Grandma’s emails (lest the Gray Panthers get a toehold on society). It’s great that they’re keeping an eye on the proliferation of heavily sharpened knitting needles, but even more worrisome that they still can’t provide accurate, reliable real-time operational foreign intelligence.

NSA Dick Check

Capturing small talk in the men’s loo at the UN? Easy Peezy.  Still totally clueless on any issue involving WMD’s.  Are you kidding me?

USA

The pot fed pork producing industry (centered in Seattle -DUH) just got some good news.

Obama finally decided to call off the Feds over Colorado, Washington and California marijuana legalization rulings. He left the door to fascism cracked open wide enough that the Prison Industrial Complex is still smiling.  No change to the federal classification aligning marijuana with heroin. In other “drug” news it was reported that 500 people die every year from Tylenol overdoses and 50 to 80 thousand seek emergency room services from negative reactions to acetaminophen.  This prompted a voluntary change in the label.  Glad that’s tended to.

Hell’s Kitchen

With names like Incendiary Point and Hell’s Canyon it’s a wonder these places haven’t self immolated long ago.

The entire western half of the US appears to be on fire. Visitors to whatever is left of our western national park system should be required to carry portable firefighting gear on all future camping expeditions as well as pine seedlings to replant the blighted forests.

Tech

Ballmer quits at Microsoft. About dam time. Most of the American workforce would already have been pink-slipped for much less serious failures, like showing up to work an hour late because they had to take their sick child to the clinic. This clown should not have survived Vista, let alone the aborted Courier and the not aborted ZuneRT.

Armed and Dangerous

ItI won’t be long before everyone is wondering how they ever got along without a smart watch. Or not.  I have a hard time seeing the appeal so you know I’ll absolutely have to have one as soon as they come out.  In the end I think the eyeglass viewer is going to become the dominant smartphone interface, though the watches will probably sell well enough to gain a strong foothold.  Toughness and weather resistance is going to matter.

The Return of the Brick Phone

Those cute little smartphones we all took home as cuddly kittens are poised to grow as big as adult grizzlies. By the time the market fully matures the number one selling phone accessory is going to be a backpack to carry all your gear. It’ll be Phabulous.

Errata

Looking into the future of Google Glass I see a Sergei Brin divorce on the horizon.

Windows tablets continue to suck, at any price.

Nintendo just released a new hand held gaming device that doesn’t include a Twitter app or a phone. What the hell are they thinking?

PZ Myers has still not been formally banned from the internet and continues with his wild ass ruminations.

Life

Everything continues to blossom in my world, even with the many burdens providence has seen fit to vex me with.  It won’t be long before we get to see the newest iteration of the iPhone, so reschedule that appointment you made with the Dutch euthanasia society.

There’s still something worth living for.

Enjoy.

They Never See it Coming

NRA Membership #38874
2745 Mudbug Circle
Beauregard Flats, Louisiana

WASHINGTON — The National Rifle Association has rallied gun-owners — and raised tens of millions of dollars — campaigning against the threat of a national database of firearms or their owners.

But in fact, the sort of vast, secret database the NRA often warns of already exists, despite having been assembled largely without the knowledge or consent of gun owners. It is housed in the Virginia offices of the NRA itself.

This is not a problem for conservative gun owners. They believe that the NRA isn’t like the NSA.  Since it’s a private corporation, gun enthusiasts are super confident that the NRA database is vastly more secure than that of the bungling government NSA.  Besides, what could possibly go wrong if government “watchdogs” ever did decide they wanted that NRA database?

It’s not like there’s any contemporary history of western democratic governments ham-handedly seizing or forcing the destruction of private industry data, and anyway, now that everybody knows that Glenn Greenwald has a gay South American “partner”, all the heavily documented facts he’s been reporting on can be summarily dismissed as yesterday’s hoary gossip.

Finally, our long international nightmare is over!  There is no illegal spying going on against Americans.  That’s the lesson that will get printed in future US history books (because it’s the story the government is “selling” us today!).  It will be injected into the curriculum right after the lesson on all the missing WMD’s we found in Iraq.

Tim’s Take

The Tim Channel is 100% behind 100% strict government registration and regulation of all firearms.  I extend my personal thanks to the fundraising department at the NRA for collecting a list of several million of their most hardcore radicals.  It will indeed prove quite helpful in the event the former slave states once again decide to break into open rebellion.

There were no WMD’s in Iraq.

Disclaimer: All people shown in this post are fictional.  Any similarity to that of potential Republican 2016 contenders or nude male pornographers is purely coincidental.

Enjoy.

Tomorrow’s NSA News Today

I swear I am totally making this up, so don’t accuse me of hacking into classified intelligence networks or blowing kisses at Julian Assange when you read this story in the Washington Post next week.

Not Hard to See this Coming

It has just been revealed that the Pfizer Pharmaceutical Company has been purchasing marketing information from a firm found to be a front for the NSA.  The company, Jericho Data Services, using the amassed raw data of millions of phone and email records collected under the XKeyscore program has been reselling that data under the guise of free enterprise marketing services.

Jericho’s Edge

Through judicious scanning of millions of women’s email messages, and identifying those that contained information on unsuccessful sexual encounters with older males, Jericho Data was able to amass a huge list of impotent men.  This list was subsequently sold to Pfizer, who undoubtedly saw it as a marketing coup for their Viagra brand of impotency treatment pills.

Other than the day-to-day manipulation of drug prices and paying off doctors to needlessly overprescribe for profit, Pfizer is not suspected of knowing the source of the marketing list they purchased was from information gleaned through NSA channels.

The two remaining journalists left in the United States are busy trying to track down where the money from this NSA black op was being funneled, though it’s now become abundantly clear to this reporter where the NSA got the funds to outfit all agency vehicles with 22″ rims and full hydraulics.

Enjoy.

The Good Old Days

Obama, in his best Bush, “We don’t torture” voice:

1. We don’t spy on Americans.  What kind of crazy talk is that?

2. Ok, we do spy on Americans but only those who are talking with foreigners. We’re not the Stasi ferchrissakes.

3. We only collect metadata.  It’s not like we’re copying your emails and chat logs, something that would be clearly illegal and totally against the fourth amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

4. We collect everything on everybody.  Not only do we collect your emails and chat logs, but their contents are freely accessible to every low level tech drone outsourced by the NSA. We have every intention to continue doing so no matter what the body of public opinion on the matter is.

Have you not been watching my harassment of medical marijuana clinics in the West, where voters have overwhelmingly expressed their willingness to allow same?  This government will not stand idly by and watch the level of democracy and compassion rise to a point which might endanger the continued existence of these United States.

I will now focus the rest of my term on issues of concern to the working class.

Enjoy.

Another American Hero

Thank goodness for the soft spoken sensitive types who have a conscience and the personal integrity to stand up to the evils of TOTALITARIANISM when they see it.

Enjoy.