“Stuff I Learnt” is a new series premiering today. It will focus on an eclectic mix of things I have learned since leaving Mississippi five odd years ago.
Hates Ducks and Dudes Who Like Dick
Guy with the longest beard has the smallest penis
After that article went viral, it was “Heathens vrs. Holy Men” time (aka America vrs Fox News) all over the TV and internet. The Holy Men assured us that the show would be more popular than ever. I clearly remember the harmonic bleating of the usual cast of knuckle dragging religionists fully agreeing with the Fox News analysis. We were advised by those motley fools that the homosexuals would be better served trying to un-homosexualize themselves than taking on a manly dude who seeks gratification slaughtering ducks. Psychiatric sessions were suggested (for gays, but not compulsive duck murderers), no offense intended…of course.
With apologies to my dear friend @Jerry_dewitt, Author of ‘Hope After Faith‘. It’s not his fault that most of America (and half of atheism) is heavily creeped out by his innate southern Pentecostal mannerisms and is still searching for the ultimate expression of an evangelical free atheist communal experience. I’ll be writing my own companion addition to Jerry’s book. Working title: Fun After Faith
The creative geniuses in my Advanced English Expressions Department, along with a big assist from The Tim Channel’s Ecumenical Plattitudes Division, teamed up to solve one of the world’s most perplexing questions:
Why is it I can put on one sock while holding the other sock in my hand, and then suddenly decide to go on a search for my “missing” sock?
Long frustrated by that unsolvable mystery, they were reassigned to the less Tim-critical mission of forming a new religiously unaffiliated congregation to pacify world religious angst.
The Crotch-O-Matic 360
Shown mounted here on a stylish Gucci belt.
Great news for the well-connected male skeptic or atheist conference going aficionado!
Product Development Background
PZ Myers and his #AtheismPlus accusation brigade have made it abundantly clear that if you don’t toenail paint their party line you’re to be treated with all the dignity and respect afforded an apostate Scientologist.
Don’t feel bad if you’re having trouble keeping up with the list of acclaimed male skeptics and Nobel prize winning physicists being named by the #AtheismPlus accusation brigade. There have been so many slandered and libeled in so many different permutations, you can hardly be expected to keep track. The degree of human warpage at work here is more than enough to boggle the minds of the world’s top contortionists.
At this point, I think the only prominent male skeptic they’ve failed to accuse of rape is Stephen Hawking, and if I were him I’d be real dam careful which buttons and switches I activated from here-on-out.
Fighting Anonymous Threats
Anonymous people are being given extreme prominence on what was once considered the world’s most heavily trafficked SCIENCE blog on the internet. A blog that has (sadly) morphed into an internet silo of blue haired, misshapen girls in sundresses and hippy jewelry.
Their leader is a corpulent unshaven mental maniac named PZ Myers, the most unlikely female figurehead since, forever.
Because their hate and animosity towards men will never be satiated, now they’re developing (actually polishing up) their latest offensive threat against the vast hoard of unwashed and rape-determined #flirty men of science and skepticism.
This could be your last chance to upgrade your personal line of character defense before the dreaded American Girlyban Smack-O-Matic SuperDeluxe 9000 hits the streets.
Unless you’re one of the most notably impotent men of science, your reputation is seriously at risk. But don’t despair. There is hope on the horizon.
Introducing the Crotch-o-Matic 360
The creative minds at The Tim Channel’s Integrity Protection Division have once again gone above and beyond the call of duty by designing the ultimate device in twenty four hour rape innuendo and threat protection!
This high tech and stylish device is meant to double as a belt buckle and be worn anytime you are in a social situation where you could later be accused of rape (i.e. anytime you’re around a women). The Crotch-o-Matic 360 auto records a comprehensive fisheye view of your immediate environs anytime the infrared optical sensor (or phermone detection circuitry*) calculates a female within six feet (two meters) of your perimeter.
*This device has the ability to sniff out hidden females better than “good ole Blood” in A Boy and His Dog, although there’s no guarantee your denouement will be as joyful as the one in this movie. IOW, Dog not included.
The Crotch-o-Matic captures full 1080P video at 60FPS , synchronous audio.,GPS location data, as well as time and date metadata for later retrieval by your legal team (in the ever likely event you’re falsely accused of a rape). You’re literally wearing your alibi.
Not content to just let our upper level male skeptic leaders passively record their dangerous confrontations with women, the unit can also double as an effective female repellent by emitting extremely high freqency squeals totally inaudible to any male over the age of 15 but exceeding grating to most women.
It’s a widely known fact that men lose high frequency hearing much earlier than women, what with all the testosterone damage and heavy metal concert attendance. Just look at Justin Vacula if you need a contemporary example.
Just push the panic button, clearly visible protruding from the side of the Crotch-o-Matic 360. (The smaller button handles power and bluetooth syncing to your smart device for auto uploading your data in realtime to our exclusive Rage Lockerz cloud storage.)
As an added bonus, the user has the option of selecting intermittent burping and farting noises, as these have also shown to be extremely effective deterrents to the approach of random females.
Just enough storage space is provided in our free bundled cloud storage data package that you can possibly scrape by without upgrading to our paid service (if you purge your data every 15 minutes). For a few dollars a month we’ll upgrade you to an amount of storage that’s actually fit to use with our product.
*Headband mount available for height-challenged male skeptics so they won’t get accused of trying to capture pix under Sally’s mini-skirt.
**Reader @snakepliskinist has complained about the passive nature of the device. He fears it may be too subtle. He suggests some offensive improvements that may be added to the next iteration of the device. Information on the development of the KillaRapeThreat SuperDeluxe 9001 will be made available as soon as engineering updates me on their progress.