Mystery Solved

Back two years (and forty million YouTube views) ago, an agitated and highly animated young man named Antoine Dodson was captured on camera making both a warning and a suggestion to America that seems serendipitously relevant to the current affairs of today.

We should all be in awe of Prophet Antoine, whose inspired verse “hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wives, and hide yo’ husbands-cause they be raping everybody up in here!” is every bit as prescient as anything dished up by Nostradamus. But what of the perp? The one identified as “raping everybody up in here”? It was Rush Limbaugh.

My theory is that Rush, unable to sway any nubile college girls into providing him a masturbatory aid in the form of a self shot porno, got sexually frustrated and tried to climb in that window at the Lincoln Park projects looking for a little brown sugar. Antoine bravely interceded.

Rush’s sexual frustrations, mixed with the thwarting of his lust (by a black guy no less) pushed him over the edge. Sure he’s always been “out there”, but even when he was gobbling hillbilly heroin like Chris Christie attacks dinner, he was never stupid enough to carry it to these extremes.

Rush is a family values kind of guy who has been married four times, rails against contraception yet has no children. That is some mighty fine rhythm my friends (more likely he’s doing it wrong).

If the vituperative consequences of pent-up sexual frustration was only a problem common to Rush, a same liberal wouldn’t have to be as nervous as a lost pup at a Vietnamese barbecue when attending CPAC events. While we may never find “patient zero” in our hunt or identify the particular strain of Puritanicalism plaguing the country, watching one of the most severely afflicted high profile zombies committing public suicide is right up there with the gore of self immolation the Buddhists are known for.

I have provided herein, the framework of a crime theory that will hopefully find the Dodson family the justice they deserve, while at the same time pointing out that the remaining “perps of the Rep party” are still running amok.
Not only are they climbing in your window. They’ve already climbed into your bank account. Last week they were trying to climb in your wife’s vagina. If that was only a slight bit of hyperbole and not a real headline you wouldn’t likely be reading this in the first place.

Hide yo’ wives, kids and husbands indeed.


Original video