Porn and Potato Chips

It started out innocently enough.  I just asked myself “I wonder who invented the modern potato chip” and here’s what happened next:

A Kettle Cooked Porn and Potato Chip History Lesson

 It occurred to me that there’s almost nothing more popular in late 20th century Americana than porn and potato chips.  In case you hadn’t heard, an independent study just confirmed that “porn and potato chips” are currently more than twice as popular as “mom and apple pie!“

Documentation in support of this shocking announcement below the fold.

On The Demise of Mom and Apple Pie

Mom tossed off our beloved apple pies like a first generation iPad. From there on out, the situation for apple pies went totally off the rails.

We all know what happened to “mom”.  She stopped baking pies and picked-up Pilates.

Good Apple Pies Now Scarce as Honest Republicans

The Folklorist on staff at The Tim Channel surmises that McDonalds, by treating our beloved apple pies like wayward shipwreck survivors at a cannibal’s cookout, has already boiled most all them to death in hot oil.

If that wasn’t how you pictured it happening before you bumped into this column, I can assure you that is how the story will play out in your mind from here on out.

On the Rise of Porn 

1930’s Version of the iconic1970’s Farrah Fawcett Poster

Everybody knows there’s an endless demand for porn and it turns out any jackass can produce his own DIY porn. That’s been obvious since at least Tanya Harding’s honeymoon video. Long before Anthony’s weiner.  Chips are a little harder to fry up on your own so most people just go the store for their potato chips.

And Potato Chips

I like frying up my own potato chips every now and then as much as the next guy, but just like porn, it’s a job best left to skilled professionals. 

So where did the modern potato chip come from?  I immediately pursued a path to the greatest oracle that has ever existed (Google) to find the answer, hoping against hope to find an American at the end of the potato chip invention rainbow, while fully expecting to find a fidgety fifteenth century Frenchman.  Imagine my surprise and happiness when I discovered it was not a Frenchman at all,  but an American Blandian.  A mixed-race black and native American Indian guy named Gerorge Crum.

From where I sit there’s nothing quite as American as a Blandian inventing one of our most beloved national munchies.

Good thing he didn’t grow up in Ferguson Missouri or we might still be chewing on thick-ass crusty overcooked chips.  And for the record it’s definitely Blandian and not Blindian.

My Favorite Blandian

American Inventor – Stoner Hero George Crum

Enjoy.