The Religious Science division here at The Tim Channel, along with the assistance of the Non Overlapping Magisteria Department at Brigham Young University, has been hard at work trying to parse out the more difficult missing details of the young Earth creation ‘theory’ recently seen popularized in a debate between Ken Ham and Bill Nye.
One of the most glaring holes in Ken Ham’s all encompassing “God Did It” theory of everything, was what the hell happened to the dinosaurs? In the creation science museum Mr. Ham has dinosaurs and people living that utopian Flintstone dream many in this country are eager to relive. A childhood fantasy easily served up by a visit to his quirky Kentucky creation. Even
beloved atheists social justice asshats are known to engage in field trips to the Creation Museum and pay the tithe of entry to get pictures of themselves atop the shoulders of a fiberglass dino, such is the enthusiasm for these long lost, but obviously beloved behemoths!
The Creationist Storyline Problem
In the beginning, God created everything (with dinosaurs). Noah collects two of each kind, there’s a big flood, and “POOF” suddenly there’s no more freakingly awesome dinosaurs. What the hell? If you are a young Earth creationist, wouldn’t it behoove you to get to the bottom of a mystery like that, once and for all? If Dino suddenly went missing in the Flintstones you just know that Fred and Wilma would be worried sick about him and leave no stone unturned investigating the circumstances surrounding his disappearance. For anyone who would claim otherwise? I’ve got yer’ yabba dabba do right here buddy…. It sure would be nice if there was somebody around today who could sort all this out for us!
No Revelatory Constipation
To be sure, there’s never been a sparsity of revelatory evangelicals, a majority of whom fall into the always popular “sky is falling” category. The entirety of all their profound End Times revelations have been proven entirely bogus (whocouldanode?). If such were not the case I’d either be on the backside of the Hale-Bopp comet or riding shotgun with the devil post-Apocalypse by now. At my age, another end-times prediction has all the gravitas of an 80’s mailer from Ed McMahon informing me that Publisher’s Clearinghouse is very probably holding a large check on my behalf. Both the preachers and the Publishers Clearinghouse use fanciful graphical representations based on their projected expectations for my future. I give the win to Publishers Clearinghouse based partly on the more uplifting ruse, given the lack of seven headed beasts in their marketing materials, as well as taking it on faith that at least somebody actually makes it to their version of financial Nirvana.
Real Creation Science in Action
If we could only get our hands on some revealed scriptures from back in the time of the flood, we’d have the exact same kind of incontrovertible evidence you see with the Bible, the Koran, or The Book of Mormon!! We could get to the bottom of our missing dinosaur mystery in no time!! Problem is, coming into possession of such holy writ is not as likely today as it seemingly was for a young boy named Joseph Smith back in the early 1800’s. He was lucky enough to have an angel hand him gold plates. If you’re guessing it’ll be a bit harder for me to find such estimable documentation as that reveled to little Joey in the woods or Moses on Mount Sinai, then you are in for a very big surprise!!
God and the Old American West
As alluded to earlier, God’s verifiable documented American missives ended and then God went totally incommunicado about the same time as the invention of the telegraph, a few decades after nuzzling up with Joseph Smith. It’s widely known that God can’t exist on the internet today even if he wanted to because he’s got stalkers waiting to pounce on him like a bloodthirsty Republican gun nut with a Lego-baited kill zone in his driveway, next door to the daycare.
Searching for Scriptures
After countless hours of digging through the moldy archives of guano dusted Bibledocs, I have uncovered a hidden treasure from a man of unshakable character that has heretofore been viciously suppressed! It’s some pretty shocking stuff folks. Let’s just say it makes what Edward Snowden leaked sound like kindergarten gossip in comparison. I’m parsing through it myself right now, making sure like Greenwald does before posting Snowden revelations, that the information doesn’t jeopardize the safety of any single individual or shock the collective conscious of our fractured nation so much it pushes it over the edge. Part Two of Noah and the Dinosaurs where the mystery of the document supporting the basis for this series is addressed in more detail.