Inside the Revitalize America Act

To stave off what they know is an increasing public relations disaster (for Jeebus in general and Republicans in particular) there are gathering whispers that the Republicans are going to offer up a more modest proposal on immigration, the patriotically titled (Duh!)  Revitalize America Act.

An Overview

The Act proposes to thrust open our southern borders to all the helpless and struggling children of this hemisphere who wish to be relocated to ‘shelters’ in Mississippi, Arizona or Florida, states long known for their hospitality, temperate environments and deep cultural connections (to such well respected national icons as Nathan Bedford Forrest, Jeb Bush and “Good Ole” Sheriff Joe Arpaio).

In these proposed immigrant oases, the children will receive the security they desperately seek, learn valuable life skills, be provided a life sustaining diet and receive regular measured exercise. The icing on the cake is that every welcomed child immigrant will get a front row seat to the dazzling miracle that is unrestrained US corporate capitalism.

One Lucky Company

Those are the claims on the front of the slickly produced media kits being offered up by the co-sponsor of this Republican plan, Freedomslaves, a think-tank funded by humanitarians at the Corrections Corporation of America as acknowledged in the tri-fold brochure’s very last fold.  This Corrections Corporation of America apparently has considerable expertise in correcting bad “human resource situations”  and is known to have a successful history in the agile construction of facilities featuring the very type of secure housing necessary to make these new immigrants feel safe in their new land.  Talk about being in the right place at the right time!

Chicago’s application for an immigrant oasis grant was denied because conditions there resembled the war torn, drug-infested countries so many of these innocent flowers were fleeing. It was considered inhumane to subject them to the inevitable PTSD the sounds of weekend gunfire echoing from the south side would induce in them.

The Real Nitty Gritty

The “next grand bargain” for the Democrats will be having to cave in on the rider attached to this bill totally gutting child labor laws. Sean Hannity has grown increasingly strident in his claims that too many successive past generations of our immigrant youth have suffered because of the oppressive jackboot of restrictions on child labor impeding their progress toward working their way into citizenship and becoming millionaires.  All the blonde girls on Fox News are simultaneously nodding in agreement.  Weird, that, and In what many regard as a shameless promotional gimmick to the Duck Dynasty voting block, Honey Boo Boo is being induced into spouting off her cherished words of wisdom on the subject of child labor.  Like you already suspected, she’s totally supportive of ANY extra income that can help to fund her enormous appetite for junk food.

In related news, the financials are all abuzz as Forbes speculates that the supply of goods only economically viable to produce with the aid of vast amounts of locally-sourced and highly affordable child labor will increase exponentially. Stocks in sneaker manufacturing giant Nike jumped 15% on the news. Prices at Walmart? Like my hommie (the one who isn’t in jail) likes to say, “They always be falling!”

Enjoy.

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