Monkeys Do Nuremberg

The monkeys are in charge and it’s payback time. This is what happens to the fate of humanity when the monkeys hold a kangaroo court against us and we are called to account for our crimes.  It’s July, 3242, the day of the Monkey Nuremberg trials.

This is also where the latest Planet of the Apes movie meets a collection of my most excellent monkey pictures and spawns a possible sequel (note: I have not yet seen the latest release). I envision my offering as a sort of futuristic tragic comedy.  The plot:

Day of the Trial

Good day for a hanging. An early riser snatches a coveted balcony seat in the viewing gallery.

Interested Observer

The Players

The presiding judge in the case, the honorable Thoroughgood Liplicker, added the legal gravitas necessary to implement the ‘final solution’ on the world’s remaining humans:

Wise Old Judge

The court bailiff (obviously a bonobo), Wigglytoes McWanker, is shown below:

Court Baliff

If there had been any actual humans invited to, or involved with the proceedings they might have been shocked by the gallows construction already underway behind Mr. McWanker.  That, and the copious amount of nut-rubbing Mr. McWanker seemed constantly engaged in.  Not a problem however, as the humans were all sequestered well-away from the gathering to protect the crowds from the dangers of “dung-slinging humans”.  The issue of guilt was never in doubt.

Submission of Evidence

The prosecution case rested on the testimony of a solitary witness, Attaboy Bob, seen here with his hand on the top of a monkey bible while being sworn in to testify:

Taking the Oath

Once sworn in, Mr. Bob proceeded to enter just one solitary photo into evidence in support of the monkey case against humanity:

Joys of Youth

As he handed the bailiff the photo as evidence, he quietly uttered, “Any primate that could honestly confuse the linage of their ancestry in the face of such damning evidence to the contrary is unworthy of existence.”

The prosecution rested it’s case.

The Defense

The court-appointed monkey lawyer representing the humans was not allowed to present a case or enter any actual evidence because of legislation still in effect from the Bush Patriot Act prohibiting disclosure of classified government documents, the entire lot of which had been reclassified as top secret since very early on in the Obama administration.  Even Nancy Pelosi’s arrest and eventual hunger strike in Gitmo wasn’t enough to move the public to action.  The monkeys were only too happy to judge humanity based on the ‘rule of law’ we had already developed to judge one another.  In other words, we were screwed.

Judge Liplicker quickly issued a guilty verdict.

The Aftermath

All remaining humans were forcibly removed from the gene pool (with the exception of a few gay waiters, because even in a monkey utopia, it’s hard to find good service).

The orangoutangs threw outrageous parties. The baboons blew the lid off the place. The removal of the final humans is now a huge fireworks holiday on Monkey Earth, despite the length of the disclaimers on the fireworks themselves, warning of the potential probability of setting your hairy monkey-ass on fire.


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