Good news-bad news for Catholic schoolboys!! First the good news. Recently completed research claims to show the Catholic clergy (seven out of ten priests agree!!) are finally slowing down on their child sex abuse. We all wish to believe that the era of priestly “hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband cuz they rapin’ everybody out here” days of the Catholic Church are well behind us. Literally. All clergy should now remain three steps behind, and at least a couple “wide-stances” off to the side, of ALL children, just for safety’s sake.
Now for the bad news. The research appears to be totally funded by the Catholic Church. Public outrage fueled a demand to get to the bottom of why the priests were so interested in all the cherubic young bottoms. Besides, who else would have so much actual on-the-job (hands-on?) experience with these desirable young bottoms than the actual perpetrators themselves?
The 1.8 million dollar cost of the study was therefore funded entirely from Catholic sources. Some might think that’s a lot to pay for damage control. The church was looking at alternative ways to improve their image at a less exorbitant price. They came up empty in their search for prominent public pedophiles they could inexpensively call as expert witnesses on behalf of their depraved buggery. I guess NAMBLA wasn’t available to speak on their behalf or are militantly anti-Catholic, so this rather expensive self serving bit of research had to suffice instead.
The part of the research I’ll highlight here in this post claims the widespread abuse of the past was due to the Church’s failure to train the clergy not to molest the children. The Church is now training the staff not to molest the children. The problem is solved. Safe to bring your kids and your wallet back to mass. Pope wants you good Catholics to get the word out on that asap.
The full report is a good 150 pages long (link below), and is titled as clearly as the Presidential Daily Brief that George Bush ignored pre-911 (Bin Laden Determined to Strike in US).
The Catholic version of the 9-11 Commission Report, concerning their own complicit history of slamming inappropriate projectiles into unsuspecting targets is clearly and aptly titled as well “The Causes and Context of Sexual Abuse of Minors by Catholic Priests in the United States, 1950-2010”
Note it says causes. I don’t have the desire to consume the full 150 odd pages myself right now, so I’ll focus on my favorite from what I have consumed:
Turns out the clergy was unaware it was immoral and illegal to go about buggering little boys all these years! Whocouldanode? I’m not a Bible scholar, so I didn’t realize their Bible based morality was lacking advice in this regard, and they needed advanced seminars instructing them on the negative social mores of tinkering with a toddler’s testicles e.g.. So they’ve instituted changes to the priestly curriculum by adding a new class at Catholic Priest Jesus College Seminary LLC.
They don’t call the new class “Why You Shouldn’t Molest the Children 101”. That type of pre-Orwellian language is as outdated as the use of the word torture ferchrissakes. From the report:
Human formation in seminary is critically important. The drop in abuse cases preceded the inclusion of a thorough education in human formation, but the development of the curriculum of human formation is consistent with the continued low levels of abuse by Catholic priests (118).
Human formation is what they needed training in? That must be the worst euphemism for a class on “don’t perform sex acts with kids” that one could possibly imagine. If nothing else, it helps to illustrate how hopelessly self unaware these clueless reprobate bastards really are.
The other part of the report was meant to address the context (read ‘environment’) in which this ecclesiastical debauchery was born. I’ve heard they blame it on the hippies, but that’s so “South Park has already done that” it’s kind of hard for me to believe. I also heard that prominent Catholic spokesperson Bill Donahue is upset the report favored hippie bashing over the more tried and true gay bashing, but that’s a little too much ‘inside baseball’ for this post, The main thing is that the study is scientific. The fact that hippie bashing has a higher public acceptance factor these days than gay bashing is simply a happy scientific coincidence.
In retrospect, it makes the abuse I suffered at the hands of the protestant denominations I was forced to attend in my youth, look like a walk in the park compared to that of your average bright-eyed Catholic choirboy. Only the serendipity of birth into a protestant household averted a potentially tragic situation where I might have been forced to swallow something even more disgusting than insane church doctrine. For that I give thanks.
I was make to suffer through all manner of fools and fanatics as they weekly, flailed themselves down the aisle, flopping their way towards the pulpit like circus seals, to repent their sins yet again, (and to bask in the great glory of Jeebus). Memories like that are horrible enough to forget, but I pity the poor Catholic children. Can I get an Amen on that?
No need to feel sorry for me, I was about five years old when I became self aware that religion (like Santa) was all bullshit, and therefore I was mentally armored against all such similar twaddle. Public exhibitions of grand pageantry in support of the new Santa were useless against me. Even witnessing firsthand, the nearly universal adult participation and excitement in the new Santa was useless against my inoculated mind . All hail the old Santa!!