I have noticed a remarkable increase in web traffic lately.
This gives me a nice tingly feeling in my nether regions. Feelings that normally are only available with the aid and assistance of these little blue pills so prevalent in my country club age group. As a result, all you wonderful people are saving me a lot of money (and it’s not costing you a cent!) I might eventually save enough cash to negotiate for the safe return of my cojones (which are currently residing in the rose-scented confines of my wife’s handbag).
I thank you all. My gratitude is so great, that if I were to meet you in person, I would give you a fist bump or perhaps a high five. Truth is that I’d gladly submit to any other cultural motions you define as a sign of positive physical expression (as long as it doesn’t include any maneuvers so awkward that they would necessitate an excuse to invoke the phrase: NO HOMO!)
To demonstrate my appreciation for your interest in this blog (and under the insistence advisement of the aforementioned nether regions), The Tim Channel is offering a remarkably useful flashlight application for your cellphone. 100% cross-platform compatible! 100% free!
You’ll want to download your free copy of The Tim Channel Flashlight app as soon as possible! Don’t pay good money for an inferior flashlight application! Don’t be suckered into downloading some slimy, advertiser supported ‘free’ flashlight application. My experience with these so-called free apps is that they never fail to “go to commercial” at the worst possible time.
Taking just a few seconds to download and install this revolutionary open-source app means that, unlike those inferior ad-supported flashlight apps, there’s no chance that an ill-timed ad for Hollywood’s latest dark comedy will put the lights out on you!!
“But Tim, I’ve already got a decent flashlight application on my….Iphone…Android…Nokia etc. Why should I change?”
I’m glad you asked! The Tim Channel’s optical sciences division has developed and deployed a flashlight app with a fundamental level of brightness previously thought impossible. A new level of whiteness so pure, that it now represents the greatest discovery of man (until something like the first warp drive spacecraft bumps it down a notch)!
Be careful using this app. Don’t look directly into the screen! The level of whiteness achieved utilizing our proprietary method is without precedent. Be forewarned that even a brief glimpse directly into the screen will result in minor hallucinations.
These hallucinations always result in a belief that you are looking at a picture of a Republican (aka Tea Party) get together. This is only an illusion!! Your mind is subconsciously substituting what it had previously accepted as the most powerful expression of whiteness known to man directly onto the screen of your mobile device. This is your clue to LOOK AWAY!! Seek professional care immediately if you develop an uncontrolled compulsion to blindly scream “Get the Government out of my Medicare!!” for periods lasting longer than four hours.
Installation is easy. Simply put downloaded file into the media folder on your particular device. Select the seethelight.png file using the picture viewer function on your device. Show your friends the first free flashlight app that doubles as a background wallpaper! While you’re at it, pat yourself on the back for finding the rarest thing in the world today: a useful permutation of any sort arising out of a meeting of Republican leaders.
*Download demands may create an internet traffic jam of epic proportions, which is always a nuisance. Of more serious concern, is that the correlated surge in demand for electricity could plunge the entire nation into the midst of a chaotic blackout (e.g. New York – 1977). Isn’t it good to know you’ve got an app for that?