Lustful Priests Sign Here / A huge molestation settlement against the Catholic church, and some embarrassing new rules Thou shalt now imagine a new and unsavory piece of paper, an unsightly little legal agreement, one the Catholic church recently agreed to foist upon some of its beleaguered priests regarding molestation which said priests must now sign before taking the proverbial priestly reins, and which we can imagine must go something like this:

“I, (enter priest’s name — and no more cute nicknames like ‘Big Daddy’ or ‘Muffins’ or ‘Uncle Salty’), do solemnly pledge to uphold the duties of my largely unhappy and sexually neutered and probably borderline alcoholic station in life, as outlined in the Fun ‘n’ Immutably Heartless Catholic Doctrine of Our Lord, circa 1297.

“And furthermore, I extra-super promise not to allow my profession’s rather obvious and well-documented levels of sexual repression and amative angst to manifest themselves by way of coming on to or openly molesting any youngish males with really cute smiles who come to me for advice or counseling or the URLs to really good adult sites.”

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