My Birthday Wish

I’ll be fifty-something on November 24th.   I’m inherently sensitive in finding serendipity where others might miss it, so this event, scheduled on the very day of my blessed birth, couldn’t escape my attention.  The gist:

It’s the day ordinary citizens stand up for their rights, stand up for liberty, and protest the federal government’s desire to virtually strip us naked or submit to an “enhanced pat down” that touches people’s breasts and genitals in an aggressive manner.  You should never have to explain to your children, “Remember that no stranger can touch or see your private area, unless it’s a government employee, then it’s OK.
The idea is that people should “opt out” of the radioactive death-ray spewing, porno-enhanced picture saving security scanners and consent to a physical pat-down by TSA security personnel.  The goal seems to be that if enough people get first hand experience with these  enhanced aggressive genital interrogations manipulations. the policy will be forced into extinction (like Gitmo?).

Even if TSA personnel, forewarned of the protest, decide it best to be particularly… err.. non-aggressive, in and around the areas supporting our dangly bits, (thereby avoiding the bad publicity of forcing artificial breasts out of flight attendants mastectomy bras, or getting a bit brisk with a reluctant toddler), it will still create a traffic jam of enormous proportions at many major airports.
This is a totally avoidable situation, and because I have great sympathy for the cause, would offer the following adaptation to the aforementioned protest scenario.  The effect would be just as impressive (and more photo worthy for the news!!!) and at the same time would actually help the TSA personnel do their “job” on one of the busiest travel days of the year.  Here goes:
Opt out of the radiation scan.  You will be diverted to the ‘pat-down’ line.  At this point STRIP DOWN to whatever level of nudity is legally allowed in public.  Perhaps all the organized protesters ought to consider wearing ‘appropriate’ undergarments, like extremely scanty bikinis for the girls and skin tight Speedos for all the guys?  Consider it a badge of honor if a suspicious TSA official thinks the junk protruding prominently from your Speedos might really be a medium sized handgun and wants to take a peek!
If he asks you if you want to do it in private, don’t take the bait!  Demand that everyone see your enormous Johnson so that they too will feel safe from the thought a dangerous weapon had somehow escaped detection should they notice the enormous bulge later in flight.
At the end of the day, what bad thing ever comes about as a result of a group of libertines lounging around nearly naked in a large group for hours on end?  The press will go freaking WILD.
Enjoy.

5 thoughts on “My Birthday Wish

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention My Birthday Wish « The Tim Channel -- Topsy.com

  2. I generally avoid flying when possible because it’s just a hassle, but I support this idea, and would consider doing it myself. I’ve also thought about writing “eat me” or something similarly pithy on various areas of my body in magic marker before I go through the scanner, assuming that the writing would show up. And if not, then it makes for a good message should I decide to strip down as you suggest.

  3. Might help.

    How about if those who feel up for it “enhance” the experience with racy and/or gender-inappropriate lingerie? Or undergarments with politically subversive messages on them? Something that would help to make the absurdity of the security theater more obvious.

    • I thought about mentioning Victoria’s Secret for the girls….until I remembered that they use PRISON labor (US prison industrial complex). That said, I’m all for pushing the limits of common decency right to the limit of the law in order to highlight the very indecency being perpetrated on the public by the TSA goobers.

      Enjoy.

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